Bliss

You aren’t alone…

I’m finally working on the book.  The book I’ve been wanting to write for over a year now.  The one that I feel called to write in the hopes it might help another.  The one that tells my story, but is also a manual for people looking to change the way they feel.  People looking to change their lives.  People who know there must be a better way.  People who feel there must be more.

No pressure right?  No wonder I’ve been doing everything but writing the book.

But it is so big inside of me, it won’t be ignored.  So I’m sequestered in a beautiful mountain cabin in the snow.  And I was still finding everything else to do besides the book.  Until this morning that is.  This morning I’m writing the book.  Yay me!

The funny thing is that as I started writing I realized the message is the same one I’ve been wanting to share the last few days.  It’s the holidays and while this time of year is one of my favorites I know that many people struggle with it.  So I’ve been feeling like I should reach out on social media and just let you know I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything.  But I hadn’t done it yet and it was weighing on me.   As I was writing the first chapter I realized…it isn’t just about the holidays.  I share because I know what it feels like regardless of the time of year.  I share because I want you to know you aren’t alone.  I share because I want you to know what is possible.

So here I am sharing part of my story.

Chapter 1 Rough Draft partial:

I remember it so clearly. I had my car keys in my hand. I was staring at them, innocent looking inanimate objects just laying there.

But I knew if I used them for their intended purpose and left the house I wasn’t coming back. You see, I was holding those keys dreaming of driving my car off of a cliff. I wanted out.

The thing about depression is it isn’t rational.

My life wasn’t bad. I had nothing to feel suicidal about. But that didn’t stop it from building in me most days.

I had children I adored when I could see through the pain, a doting husband, a great job. I was surrounded by family and friends who loved me. We had a beautiful home and food to eat and went on vacations at least once a year. By all outward appearances I was a success.

And up until then I had done an ok job hiding the inner turmoil from everyone outside of my home.

My husband and kids were the ones paying the price.

They knew when I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.

They were the ones who heard me sobbing in the shower.

They were the ones I screamed at or guilt tripped or belittled because I couldn’t see past my own pain.

They were the ones paying the price.

They were the ones I was hurting.

And in the lucid moments that broke my heart.

It became a vicious cycle. When I was hurting I lashed out and then I felt the guilt of every single horrible thing I said and did.

Until that day, standing there with the car keys in my hand.

In a moment of total clarity, perhaps brought on by the fact that I was standing on the edge of doing something I couldn’t take back, I knew I had to decide. I could not continue like this. I had to make a choice – was I going to live, really live, or was I going to die?

I chose to live. And I have been learning how to do that every single day since.

To be continued….

If you are hurting – please reach out.

If you feel anything I have said here – please reach out.

If you are having a similar battle – please reach out.

There is a better way.

It is worth the fight.

Life can be joyous and fun.

I urge you to talk to someone, ask for help, let someone know how you are feeling. It doesn’t have to be like that.

I’m always here…

Love to you all…mwuah

Bliss

Daily Thought Reform

I’ve been teaching and talking a lot lately about being conscious of our thoughts and how powerful that can be.

Most of us never really take the time to recognize what that little voice in our head is saying to us non-stop.  And for many of us it isn’t good.

One of the most powerful changes you can make is to learn to recognize what is going on up there and choose something better.

Are you constantly telling yourself you aren’t good enough?

So often that you don’t even realize it anymore?

I know I was.

But there is a better way.  And it is pretty simple, although it may take a bit to become natural.

How?

When you start noticing your thoughts and you hear “I’m not good enough.”

Choose something different.

Replace it with “I’m always more than enough.”

At first it will feel weird.  Or crazy.  Or like it is bullshit.  But trust me…keep at it.  The more you do it the more you start to realize this is the truth.  And the easier it becomes to recognize.  And then the more you say the good thing to yourself.  Keep going…you are building new habits and those can take time.

But you are worth it…don’t give up!

I’ve decided I’m going to start sharing a daily thought reform.  The purpose will be to remind you to pay attention to your thoughts – and to change them to loving, supportive ones.  Everyday I will share a negative thought and an idea for what you might say to yourself instead.  If you recognize the negative thought within you then you will be prepared with a response.

This will seriously change your world if you stick to it.

I believe in you.

Love to you all…mwuah!

Bliss

It is never done…

Hello my loves!

I wanted to share a recent experience that made me realize how true it is that we never get it done and we always have the opportunity to become better versions of ourselves.

I have been in an amazing place recently.  Feeling good, having wonderful interactions with people in person, online, and on the phone.  I’ve been working a lot to get stuff out into the world that I believe can help people improve their lives and humanity as a whole.  Everything has been clicking and flowing and feeling good.

Then last night when my guard was down I found myself spewing negativity from a place of hurt.  You see, I have been holding something in and not dealing with it because I believe that it will be hard and painful and maybe out of my control.  I have been holding onto this story of mine for years.  And I’ve noticed that every once in awhile it just comes out…and I don’t like it.

This morning I woke up feeling horrible and guilty about it.  In the past I would have spiraled out of control.  Beating myself up for my attitude and my actions.  Carrying the guilt and letting it grow and grow.

But now I know better.

So every time it came up for me today I was able to recognize it, be grateful that I could, and let it go.

I was able to be gentle with myself.

In the past I would have regretted it all and hated on myself.

But today I am grateful.  I am grateful I have learned how to deal with the guilt.  I am grateful for learning how to treat myself with kindness as I would a loved one.

And I am most grateful for the opportunity to recognize and heal this thing that has been festering inside of me.

I know that I am lucky it came up…that it is a clear indicator of the work I need to do.

So I am doing it.  I am choosing differently.  I am creating the experience I desire by using the techniques I know work for me to release the negativity around this.  I am committed to this process because I am committed to always being a better version of myself and living a better life than yesterday.

This is what matters.

This is what is important.

Beating ourselves up does no one any good.

But healing ourselves puts us in a place to be the light for others and to show up as our best selves.

And that impacts everyone around us for the better.

Love to you all…mwuah!

Bliss

The grass is greener on the other side

Warning…there is a very real possibility this is going to piss you off.  I’m hoping it pisses you off enough to try to prove me wrong.

How about we quit playing the victim? 

I’m so tired of watching people give all their power away and play the “poor me” game.

“Why does this always happen to me?”

“Oh sure that’s easy for you, but that never works for me.”

“Look how lucky she is, her life is so easy.”

I hear people say these types of things all the time.

I hear them say (or hint around) about how easy my life is and how lucky I am.  I hear them say it about other people living their best lives.

I hear people sabotage themselves before they even begin, giving up before they even try because “nothing ever works out for me”.

Bullshit.

Life isn’t luck.

Life is all about choices.

Are you going to create the best one you can or sit on the sidelines and moan about how it isn’t fair?

That’s the choice…and it’s all yours.

Believe me…I know because I’ve been on both sides of the fence.

And in this case the grass really is greener over here.

Bliss

Guilt and Fear

Hey loves…

I have been thinking a lot about guilt and fear and their role in my life over the past few weeks.  My conclusions:

Fear keeps us from believing we can do something.

Guilt keeps us from believing we deserve it.

And neither of those things serve us in living our best life and being the best kind of human we can be.  They both have a purpose in the short term…fear keeps us safe, guilt keeps us from repeating mistakes.  But over time as we hold onto them and let them pile up their initial usefulness is distorted.  They become anchors around our necks.  They keep us from growing.  They dim our light and push us to be less than we are.

Holding onto the guilt and fear serves no one.

I used to think that it was cowardly to forgive myself and release the guilt because who was I to decide it was ok?  Who was I to say I had tortured myself for something I felt I had done wrong?  But I realized that this stubbornness to continue to torture myself was hurting others.  I couldn’t be the best version of me in my relationships when I was holding the guilt between us like a sword or shield.

Two of the most transformative things I’ve done on my journey was:

  • learn to forgive myself and let that shit go
  • push through the fear and do it anyway

So I implore you…find a way to release the anchors that bind you…

If you are interested to hear a little more about what I found worked for me I’m happy to share.

Love to you all…mwuah!