Bliss

Another breakthrough

The title of this post might make it seem like this was no big deal.

Just another breakthrough.

But that would be misleading.

It was (and is) a very big deal indeed.

You see, it opened my eyes in a big way.

There was nothing truly remarkable about the day, that I can remember.  It was last Tuesday.  Something someone had said to me a few weeks earlier kept running through my mind.  It was on my heart in a way that kept me wondering what they had meant.

You see, this person had made a comment about feeling me pull the energy away from a project we had been discussing.  I had been letting them know that I didn’t currently have the money to invest in the project that we had been discussing.

It was true that I didn’t have the money in hand.

It was also true that I didn’t want to be tying up their business resources when I couldn’t hold up my end of the bargain.

That little comment kept coming up for me, surrounded by curiosity about what it actually meant.

That Tuesday I followed the little nudge that suggested I reach out and ask what they had meant.

The conversation that unfolded led to one of the biggest breakthroughs of my life.

It wasn’t really that what was said was new or different.

It wasn’t that there was some super secret information revealed that I had never had access to before.

It wasn’t that the person I was talking to knew things I didn’t (although it is entirely likely that is possible).

It was that I was open and receptive to the learnings that were available to me in that moment.

I recognized in that moment that I HAD pulled the creative power out of that project.  How?  I had become so focused on the money (or lack of it) that the energy I was directing was no longer about building something amazing to offer the world.  Instead I was directing all of my creative energy at reinforcing the lack of money.  I was saying to the universe that there was no way this project was going to happen because I was incapable of paying for it.

I became aware of the fact that I had all of that energy at my disposal.  I saw the power we all have within us.  And I recognized that many of us are using that power to create exactly what we do not want, just as I was in that instance.

I truly am an all powerful, divine, creative being.  And so are you.

I realized I had been giving that power away by expecting someone else had all the knowledge, answers, tips, tricks, and secrets and that if I could just learn the right combination of things all the wonders of the universe would open to me.

I had been allowing my feelings of doubt, fear, lack, and unworthiness keep me from stepping into my power.  I wasn’t willing or able to declare what I desired, to own who I was, and to speak from that authentic place.

I was as afraid to succeed as I was to fail.

I wasn’t willing to trust myself and my power.

Sure, I was sharing authentically, but not the fullest expression of me.  I was dimming down my message and what I was offering the world.

I’m done with that.

Some people won’t like me.  Some people will think I’m nutty.  Some people will question my motivations.  Some people will be too scared to play full out with me.  And that’s ok.

I owe it to myself and my soul tribe to share the fullest expression of me.

And so do you.

You have everything you need inside of you too.  We all do.

 

Bliss

An excerpt from the book…

I’m writing the chapter on guilt and shame right now.  My own words really struck a chord in me and I felt compelled to share them with you.

Guilt is a sneaky little bastard.  It slides in and wraps itself around your heart and squeezes the life out of you when you aren’t looking.  It will eat you alive.  It’s like cancer of the mind. 

I had years worth of guilt I had been storing up inside.  For big things.  For small things.  Some for things the other people involved probably didn’t even remember.  But wasn’t I such a martyr for beating myself up and feeling so badly about it?

No.

Carrying the shame and guilt around didn’t make me a good person.  It made me an asshole.  Because of my inability to leave the past in the past I was continuing to hurt those I love.  Because I couldn’t forgive myself, I couldn’t heal myself.  And the unhealed version of me was doing more and more damage.

Leave the past in the past where it belongs…

Bliss

Life is supposed to be fun…

This really is one of my favorite things to say (to myself or out loud).  Simple right?  But it is a belief that so many people do not hold.  I was one of those people for years.

Down deep I knew that I was doing something wrong.  I could feel that living a life of struggle or drudgery was not what we were put on this earth for.  But somehow most of us ended up wandering through life doing the things we are supposed to do, or expected to do, or do because everyone else does.

I woke up one day.

It wasn’t an overnight awakening.

But I am so grateful it happened.

Because now I’m choosing to live.

And that is a miracle.

But even so I was thinking today that I am still not playing enough.  I laugh a lot.  I have a lot of fun.  But I want to PLAY more.

I want to do things that delight me.  Things that aren’t adult.  Or cool.  Or whatever.  I want to dance like a wild woman in my living room.  I want to play tag.  I want to run with abandon and fun…not for my daily exercise.

Why do we give these things up when we “grow up”?

We are clearly doing it wrong.

So I intend to take some cues from my younger self and all those little children out there and play more.

I commit to playing every single day.

Don’t you want to play with me?

 

Bliss

Not everyday is perfect…

I talk a lot about the changes in me and my life over the years.  There was a point where I was miserable, depressed, and suicidal.  The happy moments were so few and far between I can’t really remember them.  But I remember the despair.  I remember the hurt.  I remember the sadness and the anger and the bad behavior.

I am so grateful that I have been able to figure out how to feel differently, behave differently, live differently.  I am so grateful for this version of me.  I am so grateful for the life I now have.

But I think you need to know…there are still moments where I find myself right back in those dark feelings.  There are still times where I am sad.  There are still times where I feel like life is too hard.  But they are the moments that are few and far between.  And when they do come I am better equipped to find my way out.

So please know it is normal to have angry, sad, depressed moments.  None of us are blissful every moment of everyday.  And that’s ok.  But I hope you see that those are not supposed to be the norm.  There is a better way.

And it is so worth finding it.

Love to you all…mwuah!

Bliss

Don’t give up on your dreams

I’m writing.

I’m writing.

I’M WRITING!

I’m sure you don’t realize the enormity of those two words.  You see, I have always wanted to be an author.  In high school writing fiction was my favorite.

But I didn’t become an author.  My life ended up going a lot of places I never expected.  But that desire to be an author has never left.

For the last several years I have felt this strong pull to share my story.  I want to connect with humanity.  I want people out there who are feeling like I felt to know that they aren’t alone.  I want to offer them the lessons I’ve learned, the shoulder to cry on, the knowing that they are worth it, the forgiveness they believe they don’t deserve.

So I am writing.

I am writing a book.

I have committed to writing for 60 minutes a day.  Why?  Because authors write, of course.  And I am an author.

I am writing.

I am writing a book.

It brings me so much joy I just want to keep typing it.

But I’ve got a book to write…