Bliss

An excerpt from the book…

I’m writing the chapter on guilt and shame right now.  My own words really struck a chord in me and I felt compelled to share them with you.

Guilt is a sneaky little bastard.  It slides in and wraps itself around your heart and squeezes the life out of you when you aren’t looking.  It will eat you alive.  It’s like cancer of the mind. 

I had years worth of guilt I had been storing up inside.  For big things.  For small things.  Some for things the other people involved probably didn’t even remember.  But wasn’t I such a martyr for beating myself up and feeling so badly about it?

No.

Carrying the shame and guilt around didn’t make me a good person.  It made me an asshole.  Because of my inability to leave the past in the past I was continuing to hurt those I love.  Because I couldn’t forgive myself, I couldn’t heal myself.  And the unhealed version of me was doing more and more damage.

Leave the past in the past where it belongs…

Bliss

Life is supposed to be fun…

This really is one of my favorite things to say (to myself or out loud).  Simple right?  But it is a belief that so many people do not hold.  I was one of those people for years.

Down deep I knew that I was doing something wrong.  I could feel that living a life of struggle or drudgery was not what we were put on this earth for.  But somehow most of us ended up wandering through life doing the things we are supposed to do, or expected to do, or do because everyone else does.

I woke up one day.

It wasn’t an overnight awakening.

But I am so grateful it happened.

Because now I’m choosing to live.

And that is a miracle.

But even so I was thinking today that I am still not playing enough.  I laugh a lot.  I have a lot of fun.  But I want to PLAY more.

I want to do things that delight me.  Things that aren’t adult.  Or cool.  Or whatever.  I want to dance like a wild woman in my living room.  I want to play tag.  I want to run with abandon and fun…not for my daily exercise.

Why do we give these things up when we “grow up”?

We are clearly doing it wrong.

So I intend to take some cues from my younger self and all those little children out there and play more.

I commit to playing every single day.

Don’t you want to play with me?

 

Bliss

Not everyday is perfect…

I talk a lot about the changes in me and my life over the years.  There was a point where I was miserable, depressed, and suicidal.  The happy moments were so few and far between I can’t really remember them.  But I remember the despair.  I remember the hurt.  I remember the sadness and the anger and the bad behavior.

I am so grateful that I have been able to figure out how to feel differently, behave differently, live differently.  I am so grateful for this version of me.  I am so grateful for the life I now have.

But I think you need to know…there are still moments where I find myself right back in those dark feelings.  There are still times where I am sad.  There are still times where I feel like life is too hard.  But they are the moments that are few and far between.  And when they do come I am better equipped to find my way out.

So please know it is normal to have angry, sad, depressed moments.  None of us are blissful every moment of everyday.  And that’s ok.  But I hope you see that those are not supposed to be the norm.  There is a better way.

And it is so worth finding it.

Love to you all…mwuah!

Bliss

Don’t give up on your dreams

I’m writing.

I’m writing.

I’M WRITING!

I’m sure you don’t realize the enormity of those two words.  You see, I have always wanted to be an author.  In high school writing fiction was my favorite.

But I didn’t become an author.  My life ended up going a lot of places I never expected.  But that desire to be an author has never left.

For the last several years I have felt this strong pull to share my story.  I want to connect with humanity.  I want people out there who are feeling like I felt to know that they aren’t alone.  I want to offer them the lessons I’ve learned, the shoulder to cry on, the knowing that they are worth it, the forgiveness they believe they don’t deserve.

So I am writing.

I am writing a book.

I have committed to writing for 60 minutes a day.  Why?  Because authors write, of course.  And I am an author.

I am writing.

I am writing a book.

It brings me so much joy I just want to keep typing it.

But I’ve got a book to write…

Bliss

Perspective is everything…

I was having a great conversation with my mom on Christmas Day about perspective. The more I share my story the more my own parents are learning about me and my experiences. While they were right there for many of them, this is the first they are hearing about it from my perspective.

The funny thing about relationships, memories, and basically everything else in our human experience is that we all have our own perspective on it. No one person can know what it’s like from another persons shoes. Every experience is colored by our thoughts, perceptions, beliefs, and emotions. Two people taking part in a single experience will see it differently, notice different things, remember it differently.

If that’s true…which it is, of course…then when I’m telling my stories (to myself or to you) shouldn’t I be considering the fact that those are my stories from my perspective?

And if that’s my perspective isn’t it possible that I’m coloring the experience with my own guilt, fear, anger, etc.?

And wouldn’t all of that change my memory of the event?

And if I’m adding all of those layers onto the memory aren’t I effectively making some shit up?

And if the story is at least partially made up why is it so damn important?

The simple truth is it’s not. At least not in the way we let it seem. Yes, of course, our experiences in life are important. They shape us and our lives, at least partially. But if we stop and think about the fact that perspective changes everything then can’t we cut ourselves and others some slack?

I think we should.