woman smoking while leaning on wall

OUR ADDICTION TO STRUGGLE

Last week I was deep diving with a private client into her patterns.  She was telling me how she’s afraid of life being too good.  That as soon as everything seems to be going well she starts looking for what’s going to go wrong next.

I’ll tell you what I told her – she’s not the only one.

Millions of us are addicted to struggle.

Merriam-Webster defines addiction as a compulsive, chronic, physiological or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects.

When someone has an addiction the reward center in their brain is hijacked and rewired outside of healthy norms.  This is why an addict will engage in behavior those with normal functioning brains can’t understand.  

Why would they put themselves at risk, destroy relationships, etc?  Because their brain has been rewired to seek the behavior or substance out in order to be rewarded by a flood of chemicals in the brain – a feeling they crave.  The high.

So what does this have to do with the fear of things being too good?

We’re getting high off of struggle.

I had my client look at the last time that everything was going really well in her life.  

She described to me how at first, it felt great.  She was excited, content.  But then she started to get uncomfortable.  It started with a feeling of restlessness and then her mind started to find things to worry about.  At first, it was little things, like if she’d remembered to shut off the stove when she left the house.  But then it started to be bigger ones, like if she and her spouse were meant to be together or if she was going to lose her business.

Until something did go wrong in her life – she had a financial crisis.

And while she was consciously dealing with the money problem, her brain was getting its fix.  

She was feeling something.  

The truth is that physiologically anxiety and excitement are almost identical.  Racing heart, butterflies in the stomach, heightened senses, a flood of adrenaline.

She felt alive.

And when the problem was solved she would experience a rush of relief, euphoria, ecstasy.  

She was addicted to struggle because it gave her a rush.  A rush she wasn’t getting when everything was going well because there were no peaks and valleys.

Just like a drug addict, she was unconsciously creating struggle in her life so that she could get her fix.

But the real question is why.  

Why is her subconscious wired this way?  

How did it happen?

It’s a learned behavior.

Just like a drug addict using for the first time, when we’re young and experience struggle we learn that it can create these heightened experiences for us.  

The struggle gets introduced to us and we learn subconsciously to like it, even if it’s not good for us.  The more struggle we experience the more we come to rely on it to create those heightened feelings.

But here’s the kicker – we don’t need it.  We can create the same feelings in healthier ways.  We can choose to experience excitement, passion, euphoria through bliss, play, and fun.

That’s good news – since it’s a learned behavior we can always unlearn it.

Here’s the process I gave my client to begin to undo her addiction to struggle:

1: Recognize the pattern

2: Recognize when you’re engaging in the behavior

3: Ask yourself how could I bring myself into euphoria/bliss/excitement right now without needing to struggle first?

4: Do that

By giving our brains their fix in healthier ways we can break our addiction to struggle.

My client is already finding herself more comfortable with things being good because she isn’t bored.  She’s creating her peaks and valleys consciously by engaging in healthier activities that give her that fix.

Millions of us might be addicted to the struggle, but we don’t have to be.  We can happily get high on life in new, fun, and expansive ways.

woman standing in the middle of a road feeling free

IT’S NOT ME, IT’S YOU

Back in October 2020, one of my clients came to me upset because her relationship was falling apart. We’d been working together for several months and during that time her business had been taking off. She’d just tripled her highest month of income and now she was frustrated because she and her spouse were fighting non-stop.

“Why is he being like this? Can’t he just be happy for me? Why is he undermining my happiness when things are going so well? Do you think he’s threatened by my success?”

My response – it’s not him, it’s you.

#sorrynotsorry

You see, she didn’t have a relationship problem.

She had a comfort zone problem.

She wasn’t comfortable with things being that good in her life. It was making her nervous, even if she didn’t realize it.

She liked the money and the way business was going. But she wasn’t comfortable with everything going so well. To make sure the money didn’t end her subconscious came up with a solution. In order to keep the money and still feel safe she needed a different problem.  Her subconscious saved her by sabotaging her relationship and it unknowingly became the sacrificial lamb to her business success.

Why?

Because she subconsciously believed that if things were too good for her she was tempting fate. That it was just a matter of time before the proverbial other shoe dropped.

This subconscious programming isn’t rare. We’ve been taught to believe that it’s not safe because that’s not how life works. That if things are going that well there must be a catastrophe on the horizon.

That suffering is the normal human condition and if we aren’t suffering it’s only a matter of time.

To keep us safe our subconscious chooses our form of suffering so something even worse doesn’t happen to us. 

We choose our bad.

  • Bickering in our relationship instead of a debilitating accident
  • Money problems over divorce
  • Issues with our weight over poverty

And when something starts going really well in one area of our lives we can find ourselves in the same boat as my client – wondering why we suddenly have problems in another area (where we used to have our shit together).

If we don’t realize that what we’re facing is a comfort zone problem we blame the other person, fate, or the economy for our sudden distress. 

We get to work fixing the problem we think we have, not realizing it’s just a symptom.

Which keeps us looping through the same pattern. The same comfort zone problem.

  • Fix the relationship, end up with money problems
  • Fix the money problem, find ourselves with health problems
  • Fix the health problems, our relationship falls apart

Until we get comfortable with everything going well at once we’re doomed to stay stuck in this loop.

So what do we do to fix it and finally allow ourselves to have it all in life?

Rewire the underlying belief that it’s dangerous to be too happy, too successful, too abundant. Get comfortable being happy, successful, and in love with life.

This is what we did for my client. We didn’t go to work fixing her relationship. Instead, I used powerful Quantum Healing techniques to help her rapidly rewire her internal belief.  We instilled the deep-seated belief (which is a universal truth by the way) that she is safe to experience whatever she desires in life.

We undid programming from way back in her childhood that told her it was greedy to have such a blessed life and still want more. 

We traveled timelines and dimensions rewriting her story of security so she felt safe in her body no matter what was going on around her.

We cleaned up her energetic field of old densities and emotions that were making her feel unsafe and contributing to this loop.

We solved the problem instead of dealing with the symptoms. And do you know what happened? Her income continued to increase AND so did her satisfaction in her relationship. Within a few months, she was telling me how good everything was going and how she and her partner were like newlyweds again.

Why? Because she finally felt safe, worthy, and capable of creating a life beyond her wildest expectations in every single way. And so of course that’s what she started experiencing.

The truth is, you can have it all – but not until you feel safe to do so.   

Ask yourself – what do I really believe about living an abundant, magical life? Where do I feel unsafe to do so?   

Stop trying to fix the symptoms and instead go to the root of the problem.

It’s time to live that life beyond your wildest expectations.

IMPOSTER SYNDROME IS BULLSHIT

In June 2020 I was having a deep conversation with a close friend of mine who is also a coach.  She was sobbing on my screen as she was telling me how stuck she felt.  We were surrounded by highly successful, highly motivated, highly impactful women being examples of what is possible, but my friend couldn’t see herself in any of them.  

Instead what she was experiencing was a paralysis-inducing level of imposter syndrome.  She literally couldn’t make a move in her business because she was terrified of being found out as a fraud and she no longer believed she had anything to offer. 

So instead, she had been investing in more mentors, certifications, and business programs.

But the investments weren’t paying off.  Several years into this journey, and instead of feeling more capable she just felt more pressure to “figure it out” because of the mounting debt and the time invested.

Imposter syndrome is a serious mind fuck.  

Regardless of what your dreams are, if you can’t get past the feelings of being an imposter, a fraud, you’ll never step into the person you were born to be.

We think what we need is more knowledge, experience, or endorsement to make this feeling go away.  That some source of external validation will change the way we feel about ourselves and put us in a new light.

But there’s a fundamental flaw in that philosophy.

True change doesn’t occur through doing.

It occurs through being.  

And being isn’t out there.  It’s an internal state.  One that we choose to experience.  The more we insist on taking external action instead of shifting our internal state, the longer it takes to change.  Read that again.

If we look deeper we realize that imposter syndrome is a response to the belief that we will be exposed as a fraud.  That the world will realize we aren’t who they think we are.  

And when they do we will be ridiculed, outcast, attacked.

We feel anxious, fearful, & trapped by what we think is the inevitable outcome when the truth is found out.

But is it the truth?  Are you an imposter?

No.

The “truth” (our belief that we’re a fraud) is a distorted perception served up by our own internal, skewed view of ourselves.

The real problem isn’t that you’re a fraud and if you aren’t careful you’re going to be found out.

The real problem isn’t about who you ARE at all.

The real problem is who you believe you AREN’T.

It’s only your perception of yourself that causes the imposter syndrome.  WTF?

Why?  Because you’re clinging to the belief that you know yourself best.  

BUT YOU DON’T.  You can’t.  You are filled with experiences, emotions, and stories that have you seeing yourself a certain way.  You’ve lost your perspective.  You’re too close to be able to see objectively.  

And that means your perception can’t be trusted.

My friend was surrounded by powerful, capable, fantastic women who could see just how powerful, capable, and fantastic she was.  They (myself included) were consistently cheering her on and telling her what magic they saw in her.

But from her limited perspective, she didn’t believe them because she was convinced they couldn’t see the real her.

Until she opened her mind to the possibility that they might be right and she might be wrong.

Do you know what happened when she decided to believe them instead of herself?

She started showing up in her life and business as the capable, powerful, successful, fantastic woman she is.

Her business took off.

Her love life flourished.

Everything started to fall into place (as if by magic).

She didn’t DO anything different.  She simply changed her state of BEING.

Imposter syndrome isn’t based on fact.  It’s based on fear and a distorted view of ourselves.

Just for a moment, consider the possibility that those people in your life who keep telling you how magnificent you are, actually see the real you.   

Let their belief hold you up until you can see it for yourself and watch the magic unfold.

3 Things I Learned Building Two Very Different Businesses: Lessons for Spiritual Entrepreneurs

What’s so different about being a spiritual entrepreneur vs being a regular ol’ businesswoman? In this lifetime I’ve built two very different businesses in two drastically different ways. Only by doing this did I learn 3 very important lessons for spiritual entrepreneurs.

The first business I owned was a very traditional business built the “normal” way (don’t get me started on normal).  The second is spiritually focused, soul-led, heart-centered and I built it very differently. Here’s what I’ve learned.  

First, let’s get this clear – I made mistakes in both and celebrated successes in both. That’s life baby, you’ve gotta roll with the punches. It’s a journey, and that means you will learn and grow over time.

Lesson 1: Be willing to try things and learn from your mistakes.

In my first business I was focused on bringing value to the companies I worked with by using my expertise, learned skills, and hard work. I worked my way up through my field, building a reputation as a dedicated, smart, driven gal who knew her shit. I put my time in. I poured my blood, sweat and tears into the contracts I landed. I looked outside of myself to hone my skills and backed it up with pieces of paper that said I was qualified to do what I did.

You know – the way we’re “supposed” to do it.

And it worked. I did build a successful company. But oh man, was the price too high! It cost me my own well-being. I felt confused and lost that the things I THOUGHT would make it all perfect were actually leading me into frustration, depression, and an overall sense of despair.

But I’m no quitter. So I decided to try something new: my second (current) company was born from a deep soul pull to quit working for a living and start serving my purpose. To do something that truly mattered. I’m a bit crazy so I jumped before the landing was ready and went all in.

It was a complete 180 from the previous business. I did deep inner work, got crystal clear on who I was here to help and why, and completely discarded anything I’d learned in my previous life. I pretty much shunned all talk of strategy and put all of my skills on the shelf. I dove head first into clearing my channel, embracing my galactic (i.e. weird) gifts, and waited around for the call to step into aligned action.

Uhhhhh, no.

I’m a fantastic project manager and pretty epic at product development, but there I was sitting on my meditation pillow waiting for inspiration to strike while the money was running out. Cue money mindset fuckery.

I felt like a failure. A loser. Had I just made one of the biggest mistakes of my life? I realized something REALLY wasn’t working. People weren’t beating down my door to work with me even though I was posting on social media.

All my mentors said success was 80% an internal game, so why wasn’t it working? …Oh wait. 80%, not 100%. And apparently that other 20% required more than just randomly posting something that felt good.

Lesson 2: 80% inner work. 20% strategy.

We live in a physical world. That means that we get to and have to show up in the physical world. Do people slide into my DM’s wanting to work with me? Yes, they do. Do people jump onto a free call with me just to hire me on the spot? Yes, that happens.

Am I going to build a 7 figure business this way? Maybe if I didn’t need to feel like I had done something to deserve it – then maybe that would be possible. You see, I think we need the action, the journey, to become the version of ourselves that can actually hold something like that in our reality.

80% inner work. 20% strategy. After realizing this, I got to work. I took action grounded in guidance. Every action I took bred more clarity. On my mission. On the problems my clients want help with. Clarity on who I am and why I’m uniquely qualified to do the work I do. On who I’m here to help and how best I can help them achieve their dreams.  Clarity on what works in my business and what doesn’t.

You see, every bit of action I took wasn’t the most perfectly delivered soul aligned action.  It was the right next step I needed for my growth and expansion into the soulful spiritual entrepreneur I’ve become. Oh, and it reminded me how much I LOVE being in action. I’d forgotten how good it felt to accomplish things that matter to me.

So, what have I learned from having two very different businesses? It can all be summed up with my favorite lesson for spiritual entrepreneurs:

Lesson 3: Balance is the key.

Soul-led, physically created. In this 3D world we live in we need both to be fulfilled at our core. For more, read my other blog “The sweet spot is in the balance.

What a beautiful journey it is.

If you need help finding your balance, don’t hesitate to reach out!
Book your free 20 minute Activation & Exploration call here.

The sweet spot is in the balance

At the gym this morning I was thinking about the perfect balance of alignment, action, and awareness that allows you to manifest what you desire.

When you want to get fit what do you do? 

Do you lay around at home, thinking positive thoughts while eating a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and waiting for your hot body to show up?

Probably not.  If you’ve tried it you’ve found it doesn’t work that well for most of us.

You know that it requires some action on your part.

Okay, let’s take action.

So do you head to the gym on a whim, throw some weights around for a few minutes and then head home to consume that tub of ice cream?

Again, probably not.

Because you also know it requires some planning.

It isn’t just action that’s important, it’s the right action at the right time.

So you come up with a plan.

You decide what types of workouts you’re going to do and when you’re going to do them.

You decide what you’re going to eat and when you’re going to eat it.

You decide how and when you’re going to track your progress.

Great, you have a plan.

Now you take the action.

You do the workouts.

You prep and eat the food.

You track your progress.

And you continue to take action until you see results because you also know consistency is important.  Changing your diet and exercising for a week isn’t going to get you those six pack abs.

So what if you follow your plan for four weeks only to find you’ve gained 20 pounds?

Will you keep going with the same plan for another six months hoping for a better result?

Probably not.

Instead you change up the plan and see what happens, monitoring your progress and adjusting as needed until you see that six pack.

Alignment

Action

Awareness

The trifecta of manifestation.

The trifecta of life.

We are all powerful co-creators but so many of us are missing one or more of the pillars of the triangle.

It isn’t always the same pillar.

Sometimes we bounce from pillar to pillar hoping something sticks.  We focus on action for awhile, then fall back into working on our energetic alignment without listening to the nudges to take action.  Or we get so attached to our plan we’re unable to see what isn’t working and adjust.

The sweet spot is in the balance.

Find your balance.

Be the observer of yourself and your patterns.  And adjust from there.

If you can’t see it then find someone who can.

For your body get a workout program, hire a trainer, purchase healthy meals from a food delivery company.

For your mind read a book, purchase a program, find an accountability partner, hire a coach or find a mentor.

For your soul listen to a podcast, find a spiritual mentor, go to a retreat, hire a healer.

Whatever feels right for you, do that.

But remember that nothing changes by sitting on the couch eating that tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream while wishing that things were different.