I’m finally working on the book. The book I’ve been wanting to write for over a year now. The one that I feel called to write in the hopes it might help another. The one that tells my story, but is also a manual for people looking to change the way they feel. People looking to change their lives. People who know there must be a better way. People who feel there must be more.
No pressure right? No wonder I’ve been doing everything but writing the book.
But it is so big inside of me, it won’t be ignored. So I’m sequestered in a beautiful mountain cabin in the snow. And I was still finding everything else to do besides the book. Until this morning that is. This morning I’m writing the book. Yay me!
The funny thing is that as I started writing I realized the message is the same one I’ve been wanting to share the last few days. It’s the holidays and while this time of year is one of my favorites I know that many people struggle with it. So I’ve been feeling like I should reach out on social media and just let you know I’m thinking of you and I’m here if you need anything. But I hadn’t done it yet and it was weighing on me. As I was writing the first chapter I realized…it isn’t just about the holidays. I share because I know what it feels like regardless of the time of year. I share because I want you to know you aren’t alone. I share because I want you to know what is possible.
So here I am sharing part of my story.
Chapter 1 Rough Draft partial:
I remember it so clearly. I had my car keys in my hand. I was staring at them, innocent looking inanimate objects just laying there.
But I knew if I used them for their intended purpose and left the house I wasn’t coming back. You see, I was holding those keys dreaming of driving my car off of a cliff. I wanted out.
The thing about depression is it isn’t rational.
My life wasn’t bad. I had nothing to feel suicidal about. But that didn’t stop it from building in me most days.
I had children I adored when I could see through the pain, a doting husband, a great job. I was surrounded by family and friends who loved me. We had a beautiful home and food to eat and went on vacations at least once a year. By all outward appearances I was a success.
And up until then I had done an ok job hiding the inner turmoil from everyone outside of my home.
My husband and kids were the ones paying the price.
They knew when I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.
They were the ones who heard me sobbing in the shower.
They were the ones I screamed at or guilt tripped or belittled because I couldn’t see past my own pain.
They were the ones paying the price.
They were the ones I was hurting.
And in the lucid moments that broke my heart.
It became a vicious cycle. When I was hurting I lashed out and then I felt the guilt of every single horrible thing I said and did.
Until that day, standing there with the car keys in my hand.
In a moment of total clarity, perhaps brought on by the fact that I was standing on the edge of doing something I couldn’t take back, I knew I had to decide. I could not continue like this. I had to make a choice – was I going to live, really live, or was I going to die?
I chose to live. And I have been learning how to do that every single day since.
To be continued….
If you are hurting – please reach out.
If you feel anything I have said here – please reach out.
If you are having a similar battle – please reach out.
There is a better way.
It is worth the fight.
Life can be joyous and fun.
I urge you to talk to someone, ask for help, let someone know how you are feeling. It doesn’t have to be like that.
I’m always here…
Love to you all…mwuah